5 years

It's been five years since my dad passed away, and well, it still feels like yesterday on some days. Of course, we've had three more children since then, and....well....I wish he was here to play with them. He would have so loved them. Anyways, I made a little album that tells some of the things I still miss. There were more things that I missed obviously, but the album was pretty little, so it only go the top few. (On a side note: I'm seriously liking making these little albums. I feel like I'm getting a lot done and well...there just fun to experiment with!)

HIM

I wrote this entry back at the beginning of August on a day when I was really missing my dad. It has been four years to this day since he's been gone from this earth. I miss him every day. Some times it feels like it's been an eternity, other days it feels like it was just yesterday. Even though I don't talk about him often, I miss him so much. I loved him so much, and so I decided to do post this today as a tribute to him.

This is going to be a difficult post. I don't even know if I will ever publish this post, but at least I wrote it. I miss him. I miss a lot. I miss him every day. I miss the fact that the boys will never get to know that their Grandpa would get down and wrestle with them. He would chase them around, and tickle them unmercifully. He would have been the kind of grandpa that every kid dreams about having.

It'll be four years in October since he's been gone. And I don't think one single day has passed when I haven't thought about him. I don't normally talk too much about him because it hurts way too much. It's like it all just happened yesterday in my mind. I know it's probably not healthy to deal with it like this, but it's the only way that I can handle it. Some days I actually have dreams about him and they seem so real. So real, in fact, that when I wake up I expect to be able to drive up to their house and see him their watering his flowers or watching TV.

I rarely go to the cemetery. In fact, I can probably count on one hand the number of times that I have gone. But today I went, just to snap this picture of it. Snapping this picture about killed me. It reminded me, once again, that he is gone. Honestly, I still even a little mad about it. Am I mad at God? I don't really know. I guess I am a little, but maybe mad is the wrong word....maybe Jealous is more what I am. I'm jealous that God has him and I don't. I know he's so happy up in heaven. I mean, for crying out loud, when he got there he could hear for the first time in 53 years. What could be better than that? But still, I wish he was here. I don't really like to go to the cemetery. It's not the way that I like to remember him. He was so full of life and fun that going to the cemetery only reminds me of the last days with him. How I was there when he died. How I was so upset that I was there when he died. I didn't want to be there. I wanted to get the "phone call." That way I could mourn/cry alone because you see, I don't cry that well when people are around. People probably thought that I had a heart of stone that day or that I was un-emotional. But I wasn't. I just wanted to curl up in my bed and bawl like a baby.

So much has happened since he's been gone. I've had 2 more kids since he's been gone. How I wish that he could have held them like he held Blake and Luke. I remember one time, right before Jakeb was born, I was looking at some pictures of him holding the older boys when they were babies. I distinctly remember thinking how cool it would be to take of picture of him holding Jakeb and then I could scrapbook them all together. But that when I remembered that he was gone, and I couldn't do that.

I hate it when I do that. When I forget that he's gone. I don't really do that any more, but there is a huge empty space in my heart that hasn't been filled for a long time. And I can't really talk about it because like I said, it hurts too much. You know, here's what's really sad...I'm jealous not only that he's in heaven...(I mean, I'll see him again one day, so at least I have that to hold on too.)........but I get jealous of other people who's father is still alive. Or children who are at the park with their grandpas or out to eat with them. Or when I see a little old lady holding on to her little old husband's hand. I get jealous. I want that. I want my mom to have that. Isn't that bad?

This is how I remember him. I remember him as a man who loved his wife dearly and unconditionally. I remember him as a daddy who was always there for his little girl (and his other children). I remember him as a man who loved his children regardless of what they did. I remember him as man who loved others just like he preached. I remember him as a man who loved God with his whole heart. I remember him as a man who rejoiced in the Lord always.

I only hope he knew how much I loved him!